How to makegay friends in your 30s

Repetition beats intensity

One big night out with strangers rarely turns into a friendship. Seeing the same handful of faces every couple of weeks almost always does. Researchers who study adult friendship keep landing on the same point: closeness is mostly a function of shared hours, not shared drama.

So the useful question isn't 'where do I meet gay people?' It's 'what am I going to turn up to again next week?' Pick something with a calendar attached rather than something that depends on you organising it each time.

Choose plans that don't rely on drinking

Bars are fine, but they are a narrow filter. A dinner, a walk, a pub quiz, a gallery late-night and a bottomless brunch pull in noticeably different people, and they make conversation possible at a normal volume.

Our clubs run a mix on purpose - weeknights and weekends, loud and quiet, alcohol-optional - so that people who don't want a 1am finish still have four or five things a month they'd genuinely enjoy.

Go alone on purpose

Arriving with a friend feels safer and almost guarantees you'll talk to that friend all night. Arriving alone forces the introductions that actually build a circle. It's also far less exposing than it sounds when the event is hosted and the host's job is to walk you into a conversation.

If turning up solo is the part you dread, read our guide to going to events alone.

Say yes to the second thing

Most people go to one event, enjoy it, and then wait for lightning to strike. The friendships form at the third or fourth. Book the next one before you leave the first.

Look for a room with a code of conduct

A group that has written down how people are expected to behave - and removes people who don't - is a group where a nervous newcomer can relax. Ours is public: read the code of conduct before you join anything, ours or anyone else's.